I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
