dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
