Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
