He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
