I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
