i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
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