i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
