My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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