why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
