I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
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I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
