she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
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