I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Randomize
