the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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