the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
