I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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