Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
