You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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