Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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