hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
