I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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