the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
