I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
