I'm jealous of your bromance
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
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