Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
