she is the kim kardashian of front butts
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
