I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
