i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
