i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
