My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
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