i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
