dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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