I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Randomize
