Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
