Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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