We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
