i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
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