How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
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