today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
