I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
