So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Randomize
