i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
