Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
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