I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
