she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
