so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I just gargled with NyQuil
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Randomize
