im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Randomize
