also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
