my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
well most of my day revolves around power hour
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
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