Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
