Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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