Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
