Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Randomize
