why im i the only drunk person in the library?
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
