The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize
