No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Tell her she can't have a vagina
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
