All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
